By Selena Veach
I was 34 when I got pregnant. I was so excited! I had waited a long time for this day. I’d been married for 10 years, but due to my husband’s bad choices and then health issues, we’d waited to start a family. He’d been on a fair amount of pain medication, but had been able to stop taking it, and the doctor thought we would be able to safely conceive.
I suspected I was pregnant when I started craving peanut butter and jelly sandwiches – I had rarely wanted them as an adult, though I loved them as a kid. I was only in the first trimester, so we hadn’t really shared the news yet.
One night I started having pain and bleeding, and then I miscarried. There was only blank space on the ultrasound where a little person had been. My heart was broken, and between the grief and the hormones, I was overwhelmed and lost in my emotions.
I’d had some headaches, so the doctor gave me a prescription to try to help with the pain. My husband couldn’t handle his grief. That night he took several of my pills and went for a drive. He got pulled over for reckless driving and the truck was impounded. He spent the night stumbling around the house in a stupor; in the morning I told him to leave. This wasn’t the first time I had dealt with him this way, but it was the last. That was the end of our marriage. The pain was more than an already broken marriage could bear.
I wish I could say I took the time to cry out to God and ask for His restoration. I may have asked, but I didn’t take the time to receive it. I started a new relationship, where I convinced myself that sharing someone else’s adult children would be enough for me. It wasn’t.
I spent Mother’s Day for the next 10 years continuing to grieve the choice I had made during my pain and loss. I finally realized what I had given up, and that I had been convinced to accept less than what I wanted. I desperately tried to change that choice but every option I explored led to another closed door.
Only in the last few years have I finally allowed God to heal that hole in my heart. I saw myself as unworthy because I wasn’t a mother. The loss of my dreams was unbearable to me. I didn’t know who I was supposed to be, so I let other people decide for me.
It took me so long to let go of my plan and accept He has a different plan for me.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,’ says the Lord. Jeremiah 29:11-14.
Knowing that God loves me, and He still has a plan for my life brought me immense comfort. I believed He set me aside because of the choices I made. For a long time, I didn’t look for Him, except to cry out in my pain or anger, not to earnestly seek his desires for me. I only saw what I wanted and dreamed of, and I couldn’t understand why He wouldn’t allow it in my life. Even in my anger and disbelief, He still loved me. When I finally turned back to Him and released my plans and dreams to Him, He healed me. My prayer for each of you is that you will turn to Him much sooner for Him comfort, love and healing. Allow Him to work in your life.
A prayer for the one who is grieving the loss of a little soul
Lord Heavenly Father,
I pray you will hold the hearts of these hurting families. You know how deep their wounds are. You understand what they don’t know how to express. You are the great healer. Open their hearts to your healing. Continue to speak into their pain, fill their hurt with your love. Remind them how much you love them Lord, show them today how great your love is for them.
In Jesus name,